Celebrating Christmas
while struggling with grief, despair, and loss.

Advent, the season of hope, is also a season of struggle for many who feel a heightened sense of loss and despair:

• Grieving the death of family members and those who cannot be with us
• Dealing with broken relationships and financial hardship
• Inability to take part in traditional activities and community events
• Isolation due to health concerns and fear
• Stress and anxiety ratcheted up by worry and uncertainty
  
  

One of the things I learned as a young minister was that not everyone was coming to Christmas Eve services with a celebratory mindset. Many were stressed out for various reasons past and present. For some, it was a trigger for or release from pain and loss, a reminder of "who wasn't with them." I was caught up in all the details of leading one year until I noticed a young adult man sobbing after the midnight service. He said, "my dad isn't here," and I immediately assumed he meant dead. "No, I mean he's home drunk like every Christmas Eve and he promised he would come for mom." His mother, a member from years ago had passed away.  It was then that I realized our Christmas Eve services needed to include a message of coping and hoping, forgiveness and comfort —and not just "lessons and carols."

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Suggestions

1. Share that mourning and anxiety are normal, even spiritual -- and realize that YOU may be the "comforter" Jesus was talking about.

2. Sensitize others to the subject, members, staff and volunteer leaders, asking them to "be on the lookout" for those in need, and giving them resources to respond.

3. Identify those who "check" many of the boxes this year for despair, and make a plan to personally stay in touch with them and invite them to get involved (or at least know you care).

4. Make sure your "in-church" celebrations are available to those who cannot be there in person.

5. Create and promote meaningful "alternative" forms of celebrating Advent, such as "at-home" rituals and devotions, and speak to "loss" and anxiety at gathered services.

6. Start a Zoom Bible study and discussion group for those who have extra needs this Advent.

7. Invite members-in-need to have Christmas dinner with you or join in an at-home celebration with you.

8. Not all people in need this Advent will be older or dealing with the loss of a loved one. Christmas time can be especially challenging for single young adults far from home, those in the LGBTQ community, first-responders, the poor or out-of-work, and military families.

9. Make sure your Advent message focuses on Hope that "overcomes" -- even "rejoices" in suffering (Rom 5:3-5), and that your message isn't just nostalgic. Coping + Hoping this year especially.

10. {Your suggestions here!}

These suggestions were originally shared during the 2020-21 pandemic. During that time the isolation and fear were heightened for some, and more became aware of how others feel during this time of year, and how many of them there are.

A Few Resources:

• A good Biblical survey of the "despairing world" into which Jesus was born, including a great quote from Tolkien about “eucatastrophe” ("good destruction")
• Godspace's Blog on Loss at Christmas has a number of good ideas and helpful photos (some copied below).
• Parenting Anxious Children during Christmas. Great article with several "how-to" help children (and parents) reduce holiday stress, especially children with clinical anxiety issues.
• UMC Disicipleship Ministries "Blue Christmas" resources
• A PCUSA "Blue Christmas" prayers and liturgy (pay special attention to the language)
• Some very powerful ideas for "things to do" in a Blue Christmas worship
• Collection of "Blue Christmas" worship liturgies at the Clergy Institute
• Crosswalk.com's study on "even if" prayers go unanswered or things fall apart, we celebrate and sing.
• Among the many online "ways to deal with grief during Xmas" blogs, the advice in this online resource from Psychology Today was particularly helpful.
• Incourage.me -- a good Christian website writing about encouraging women  (especially younger women) through loss and life's challenges. (The photo at the top of this post is from them.)
• {Post your resource link below}

Neil MacQueen is a Presbyterian minister specializing in Christian education. He is the Lead Writer at Rotation.org. Your comments and suggestions are welcome!